So here is the thing... i never remember to type about things I say I am going to type about because..let's face it ... im a fickle bitch.... you can notice that because I keep changing the name of my blog.
Lately I have been feeling a wide range of emotions ( partially due to my period). Right now and for a while I have been experiencing jealously. Jealous of those friend who got the better internship, the better job, the better friends, and from what I think, the better life. Like is there any reason why I didnt deserve the google internship? The lady said she liked me and the other lady said she would help me out. But whatever, besides that, now that I realize that I love fashion and will not be happy with living any other life then in the fashion world, I am not happy that my friends have internships at Begdorf's and Seventeen Magazine while I work for the government. Why does this have to be so hard? You have all these "friends" rubbing it in that they will be making so much money doing banking or other important business stuff, while I am trying to peddle your " I have a dream that I can one day..." bullshit. Am I even good enough to be a stylist? I know I do not have any connections. I dont get any phone calles or email from people that I try to reach out to. Like how the hell do I start from an Ivy LEague School. Of course the seventeen magazine intern can get started because, hey, she is in fashion school ( living my life). Of course she can work at B.G. because, hey , she is way more fashionable then I am. I just wanna be good at something. I am hopin that thing is fashion.
I have finally decided tha I would only be happy if I didnt go to Business school but maybe Grad school for Journalism or like writing or fashion of some sort. I figured that if I could get clothes for free then I wouldnt mind making no money. I think I will work my way in through the human resources department and work my way around a fashion company ( vogue, W, instyle). I plan on working hard to do that. I already started my research. But I wanna know why it doesnt come natural to me. Like some people. But, I will never know.
I have also been feeling sad because of , you guessed it, my friend situation. I feel like the cat in a pack of dogs looking for someone to relate to. It's like everything I love they dont even care much about ( or at least I cant tell) but hey if I dontk now sports, i'm "dumb". If I dont know certain words , I dont deserve to be at penn. Isnt that bullshit?? Where are the people who's bottom line is FASHION. The People in the fashion groups dont even have a bottom line in fashion, their bottom line is making money. I would write about clothes and shop for peole all day because it makes me happy. Well dressed people make me happy. Sales make me happy. New shoes smell is great to me. where are the people like me at this school? I know the harsh answer to that is they are not at that school. I have to venture out and meet new people and hang out with different people to find my " Sex and the City "friends.
So it comes down to this, I need to sort my friends, from associates, from people i know of. Its hard for me to realize that some people I need in my life and some dont do anything but make me feel bad and some i just dont understand. What I need to do is chill and leave that " i need her to be my friend and him to be my friend" behind. I need to look forward to worrying about me and my real friends only. I need to stop trying to be friends with people and let it happen naturally. To be honest from all of this year, I can trully say that there are less then 3 maybe 2 people that I actually can see developing a lasting friendship with, because we have similar views. IF you dont like fashion, or take pride in keeping up with the "trends", if you don't like jokes or laughing, if you dont like sarcasm, if you dont like going out, if you dont like God,or if you are fake then I dont know how close of friends I can be with you, because we will have nothing in common. For my personality, opposites dont do too well.
Let's Talk about FAKE. My definition of fake is: Someone who says one thing and constantly does the other, someone who talks about people behind their backs and smiles in their face ( being polite is not smiling in their faces.... its being polite), someone who you think is ur friend but then stabs you in the back, someone who doesnt have your back when you had theirs, someone who follows the crowd and not their own feelings. I know Sometimes everyone falls in the fake category every once in a while, but those who dont get labeled fake are the ones who realize that, at a certain time, they were in fact fake.
So yeah, im emotional and i need to learn and grow. Next time I'll talk about.... oh who cares I probably won't talk about it anyways.
--------------From: A fickle bitch----------------------
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