Accident

I accidently thought it would be a new year here at school. I thought I could do it, but I can't. I deactivated facebook to see who really cares enough to reach me. Those who dont, dont deserve me. I cant stand people's emotions and how their emotions affect me so I'm dont with it. I'm done trying. I'm done. I want to do me and everything else will fall into place.

I accidently thought people would change. But they never do. The same things they do to others, they will do to you ten fold. That's why I am gonig to leave these gossiping people alone. I cant deal with phony people. I wont deal with them. I made that mistake way too many times. Time to just call it quits. This isnt the place for me to have friends and I see that way clearer now.

I accidently changed myself to try and be a nicer version of me when I just get taken advantage of so thats over. Back to the mean bitch I always was. That way nothing gets to me.

Since I accidently chose to go here. I mine as well stay. For my family's sake. So fuck it, fuck everything.

A Different World

After coming back to Penn with a open mind and an open heart for this LEAD program I have realized that not only was my hypothesis right, but it was across the board accurate.
You see I have believe for sometime now that Penn people are a whole different breeed of people then anyone else in the world. ( the black community at least). These people thrive on materialistic values and are all around fake/false/phony. They guys here all act the same. They think they are cool because they are in a Frat or because they " get girls" ( that are butt ugly I might add). I really cant understand the mentallity of these kids, but by the time i graduate I will.
I can tell you that there are no other people like penn people( good thing) because I have two jobs this summer one in D.C. at FSA and the other at Penn doing LEAD and I have met new people both places. It was more then obvious that the majority of the people at my JOB in D.C. were Much much much much nicer and more receptive then people at Penn, they also were a lot smarter and well rounded. The people at Penn are mostly followers...if one guy demeans a girl to get a laugh they all will. IF one guy wears skin tight jeans, they all will. It's ridiculous.
It's even more ridiculous that I let it bother me so much. I need to just ignore their stupid comments and just focus on the task at hand and the goals that need to be accomplished. I need to stop giving these people here my attention and my feelings and my sensitivity. I have given them enough. I like being at places where people dont only think of themselves ( anywhere but here). That is what has completely turned me off to idea of EVER EVER EVER wanting to be in wharton, because that is an " all about me and my money" place, and that's not me. I wish for clothes shoes and travel, not selling my soul for 6 figures just to say i made it. I am not into that whole thing and that is where me and the rest of these people differ. I don't need an American Dream, I just need My Dream of Health and Happiness.
In the end it comes down to, I ahve nothing in common with people here, but guess what i'm not leaving because I love the school as an institution and not as a social environment. I intend to squeeze everything out of this school because it has squeezed me of everything, pride, personaity, diginity, passion, and everyhting. But dont worry it will all come back in due time.
So as for now all i can say to the people here at Penn is if you dont like me do us both a favor and dont talk to me, it will be mutual. LOVE

Stop it....

So here is the thing... i never remember to type about things I say I am going to type about because..let's face it ... im a fickle bitch.... you can notice that because I keep changing the name of my blog.
Lately I have been feeling a wide range of emotions ( partially due to my period). Right now and for a while I have been experiencing jealously. Jealous of those friend who got the better internship, the better job, the better friends, and from what I think, the better life. Like is there any reason why I didnt deserve the google internship? The lady said she liked me and the other lady said she would help me out. But whatever, besides that, now that I realize that I love fashion and will not be happy with living any other life then in the fashion world, I am not happy that my friends have internships at Begdorf's and Seventeen Magazine while I work for the government. Why does this have to be so hard? You have all these "friends" rubbing it in that they will be making so much money doing banking or other important business stuff, while I am trying to peddle your " I have a dream that I can one day..." bullshit. Am I even good enough to be a stylist? I know I do not have any connections. I dont get any phone calles or email from people that I try to reach out to. Like how the hell do I start from an Ivy LEague School. Of course the seventeen magazine intern can get started because, hey, she is in fashion school ( living my life). Of course she can work at B.G. because, hey , she is way more fashionable then I am. I just wanna be good at something. I am hopin that thing is fashion.
I have finally decided tha I would only be happy if I didnt go to Business school but maybe Grad school for Journalism or like writing or fashion of some sort. I figured that if I could get clothes for free then I wouldnt mind making no money. I think I will work my way in through the human resources department and work my way around a fashion company ( vogue, W, instyle). I plan on working hard to do that. I already started my research. But I wanna know why it doesnt come natural to me. Like some people. But, I will never know.
I have also been feeling sad because of , you guessed it, my friend situation. I feel like the cat in a pack of dogs looking for someone to relate to. It's like everything I love they dont even care much about ( or at least I cant tell) but hey if I dontk now sports, i'm "dumb". If I dont know certain words , I dont deserve to be at penn. Isnt that bullshit?? Where are the people who's bottom line is FASHION. The People in the fashion groups dont even have a bottom line in fashion, their bottom line is making money. I would write about clothes and shop for peole all day because it makes me happy. Well dressed people make me happy. Sales make me happy. New shoes smell is great to me. where are the people like me at this school? I know the harsh answer to that is they are not at that school. I have to venture out and meet new people and hang out with different people to find my " Sex and the City "friends.
So it comes down to this, I need to sort my friends, from associates, from people i know of. Its hard for me to realize that some people I need in my life and some dont do anything but make me feel bad and some i just dont understand. What I need to do is chill and leave that " i need her to be my friend and him to be my friend" behind. I need to look forward to worrying about me and my real friends only. I need to stop trying to be friends with people and let it happen naturally. To be honest from all of this year, I can trully say that there are less then 3 maybe 2 people that I actually can see developing a lasting friendship with, because we have similar views. IF you dont like fashion, or take pride in keeping up with the "trends", if you don't like jokes or laughing, if you dont like sarcasm, if you dont like going out, if you dont like God,or if you are fake then I dont know how close of friends I can be with you, because we will have nothing in common. For my personality, opposites dont do too well.
Let's Talk about FAKE. My definition of fake is: Someone who says one thing and constantly does the other, someone who talks about people behind their backs and smiles in their face ( being polite is not smiling in their faces.... its being polite), someone who you think is ur friend but then stabs you in the back, someone who doesnt have your back when you had theirs, someone who follows the crowd and not their own feelings. I know Sometimes everyone falls in the fake category every once in a while, but those who dont get labeled fake are the ones who realize that, at a certain time, they were in fact fake.
So yeah, im emotional and i need to learn and grow. Next time I'll talk about.... oh who cares I probably won't talk about it anyways.


--------------From: A fickle bitch----------------------

Are you serious???....

I would like nothing more then to find myself, the part that amazes me is how hard it is. I just wanna know like what makes me, me. What makes people want to be around me, what doesnt? what is it that I have to be the proudest of? Why am I not really friendly towards people? Why dont I like everyone? Why is being nice not automatic for me? Why do I think people are always talking about me or not liking me? Why do I always feel like I am the only one going through certain things ( like hating my freshman year of college, or having more people that I dont like then I do like)? why am I not laid back? Why am I bossy?

I mean everytime I start to think I get upset because I dont wanna be myself. I wanna be like the next girl. I wanna be like Girl A who is so nice and has so many friends and seems so happy with everyone. The girl with millions of tagged pictures with millions of friends, that who I wanna be. or Girl B who doesnt have that many friends but has like 3 or 4 ride or die friends and never doesnt have anyone to go with her somewhere. I mean there are so many other girls out there that I would love to be except me ya know?

But why do I constantly downplay what I have. I have a good mother and father, a great bf, decent grades, good friends, and a Loving God. I mean I should be set, and thankful about that right? No, I always want more. I always wanted whatever I see on tv or whatever I see someone else enjoying. I just want anything that I think will keep me happy all the time. But now I am beginning to think that being happy all the time is impossible. I mean life has too many downs. I mean I could possibly think of happy things when I am upset, but I never can remember to. How do other people do it? How do they stay continuously happy with people? Even when those people treat them like scum.

That is another thing I do not understand. How can people be friends with people they talk about behind their backs? I have see the worse case of girls calling others basically hoes and cat fights and the whole shabang and it turns out they become best friends in the end and I'm like WTF. I mean maybe I shouldn't hold grudges. Maybe I should be like that and let things go. But I think holding on to that anger and hate everyday keeps me going, or maybe what keeps me going is conflict in general. IDK. But i know that hating someone and then being their friend seem fake, and I dont want to seem fake, although sometimes I did wish I could do that. Just forget.

I remember times when I didnt like someone just because a friend didnt like them but then it ended up only hurting me in the end when they became friends again and I still didnt like that other person. I mean how do you even come back from that? Like " hey sorry we weren't cool, but how are you? " Like is that how things work? Maybe it is. Maybe the way I have been doing things is wrong. I mean it really isnt working to make me happy. I just need an alternative. But my pride doesnt want an alternative. She just wants to stick to her faith and keep it real. But my heart wants to like people and forgive people. It's an internal struggle. I think I should try to let down that anger. I need to let go of things and just be happy and try to be nice. But first i need to figure out why I am not very nice. I mean, I like to make jokes that might not be nice, but they are fun, I mean maybe I am too wishy washy. Sometimes I am really nice and other times just regular and sometimes mean. I need consistency. I need to be nice and treat people how they should be treated, like i just met them and am getting to know them, and not like they should be my best friend for life. I need to start looking at people for who they are and not who I want them to be.

I have a pair of Disney colored glasses that I have been wearing my whole life. I think everything should turn out like a disney movie but really and truly, its not. I need to be prepared for friends to come and go and or people i just met to think about themselves before me and I should do the same. I need to be more laid back and let friends find me, even though that goes against what my mom always taught me ( you need to say hi first victoria). I need to be nice and curtious and most of all start off being myself and in order to do that , I need to know who myself is. I know that I like laughing, I like jokes, I like clothes, I like movies and tv, and I like talking to people. But other then that, I do not know the emotional me, I have no emotional intelligence so next time I will talk about what makes me mad and what makes me sad and all kinds of fun stuff !!!! But first to sleep, to think, and to layyyyyy back !

Water, Cell phones, and other Random things

Things I have been mad about with Cameron..completely unnecessary ? I think so. Will discuss next post!

Two steps forward 1 step back

Hey Hey... I am sooo happy to be home you just dont understand .... Right now I am feeling pretty ok with myself, my life, and some of my family. Lately I have been really upset for no reason, being devious and angry but I need to stop that. I need to just live my life for me and my family and closest friends and not for all these random people. I need to get over the fact that I might not have close friends at Penn and that my close friends have already been made and established. I need to be more comfortable with my life.


See... my mental break down started to occur the beginning of my Freshman year. During this program for pre freshman called africana. I was trying my hardest to fit in and be cool with the people who I thought at the time were cool. I compromised my views and personality and even my self esteem. Although my sense of humor never changed. Dont get me wrong, I had fun during africana staying up late running aorund with the girls. I liked feeling included , at any cost. So at the end of africana, I wasi n heavy friend making mode on facebook looking for all the people ( especially blk) to be friends with. I almost tried to be roommates with a random friend i talked to on facebook, but thank God that didnt go through. But anyways I was feeling a little worried but excited for school. Worried about friends that is, I never even thought of academics. I remember nights im-ing more random friends I made on facebook and telling them how nervous I was and scared, luckly one if them is still my good friend today and he will remain my friend because of all the advice and help he has given me. My bf of course was there for me and assured me that I was a likable person and I would be just fine. I, of course, did not believe him. I was still stuck on how the freshman year in high school went.
I missed orientation I showed up a day late in my latest pepe gear to be turned down and my entire family cried with me on the walk home, that set the precendent for the year. Everyday after school i would come home and cry myself to sleep, for A. I didnt want my dad o make me go to the gym and B. I felt friendless and alone. Granted a lot of guys hit on me but I didnt have any girl friends. My whole reasoning for going to public school was that I envied my friend Teena who used to talk on the phone about all kinds of gossip at school and going to a private school, well there was no gossip.
Anyways, I didnt end up making true friends until after I joined the step team and then Senior year. I did not want it to go down like that for college, so I tried what my mother always told me " talk to them first and they will be your friends." So the first half of first semester was good , partying with my friends , meeting all kinds of new friends, and feeling included. I was invited, by mass text and some personal texts, to dinner and parties and movies and things and that made me happy. Sooner or later our real personalities started peaking through. Some might say that I am over sensitive I just say that I am very aware of what people motives are and I like to look into what people say to think about what they really mean. With that said, I a lot of things were said to me and around me that made me want to think twice about my friend group. I felt an indirect pressure to be thin, to wear certain clothes, to do certain things, and the take certain career paths. My views were skewed by those of my "friends" for example , that fact that one day they wanted to marry a very very handsome rich man and that thy would overlook the sweet regular guy, or that they all had to be pre med or pre law so they can make money ( some of which views I still face today). But I didnt let that break the friendship, I said my two scents and left itat that . There were many occasions where I felt extremely uncomfortable and isolated but I stukc threw it because " it was better to be in [the group] hating life, then to be outside of [the group]" - mean girls lol. Bottom line I wanted to fit in and I had this vision that this group was the popular group that I always wanted to be with.
Things slowl, but surel started to hit the fan. Holloween night was a turning point for me that opened my eyes to what this group was really about. now that I reflect back I think that maybe they were too scared to tell me that they didnt want me around, so just let me stay. But anyways , there were many occasions where I felt like " no one is on my side." After witnessing , and partialy taking part in the slander of one girls name and then the re kindling of that friends ship in which I would have never even imagined I was weary. But I didnt want anything to get in the way of me and my perceived happiness. Thought I cried a lot of night when I had friends about the things they said, though I ran out of a lot of parties because I felt unwanted, thought I was the bad guy for no reason on any occasion, I hung in there like a good obedient dog and talked my self out of any negative feelings that I ever thought they would have had against me. I cn remember clearly how unwanted I was that night at the movies, a person can tell when they arent really wanted, constant asking " are you sure you want to go ?" " you dont have to go" is a dead give away. But hey, I decided that overstaying my welcome would lead them to believe that I was the friend they needed and that I was a good friend at that. I was the one who never said now when being invited somewhere and when I look back, I should have. I based my entire life around these friends, and never tried to meet more, but funny enough I was told by these "friends" that they needed more friends and that they needed to meet new people. I thought that was rude and apparently no one else did. I would never tell anyone that I need new friend to their face, and then in the long run not hold that up, hypocrit much ? Any how, the fall out started over housing. I was told I wasnt goin to be left out and I was told that I was going to be considered, but secret group meetings and secret party chatter told me otherwise. I never said anything about seeing them talk behind my back either, I dont know why? I bet you can guess. But it ended up with me finding out on my own that I was left out of the rooming situation when I was told that I wouldn't be. I said a few words, and I shouldnt have let it get to me. I should have had a back up plan. But I put so much work, effort, and sweat into being their friends that i had no time for anyone else. And I do that with everything, and that is my problem. I need to let things work its course and not try to force things into something it shouldnt be and won't ever be. So in the end I was the only one hurt, minutes before my dad picked my up for winter break on his birthday, I cut off the friendship that I put so much work into making. :::Now that I reflect back, I only knew them for a few months, so what did I expect? Did I expect them to think of my feeligns and reguard me when they so obviously didnt like me in the first place? Did I expect the one person who I thought was my closest friend to push for me to be in the room, after she had just told me she wanted more friends? The problem was i expected to much out of these girls:::
Winter break was horrible, my family was acting crazy, I was going crazy, and my dad had a stroke. I came back to school and I felt COMPLETELY isolated from everyone I used to know. I didnt get any "hi's " and hey's from anyone. I remember nights when cameron would come over and I would get so mad that I would stay screaming and running for the door to try and go get those girls because they hurt me so bad and I never got a chance to tell them face to face. I remember crying non stop. Hating myself, hating my life, hating God for doing this to me::: I did not , and sometimes still don't see his blessing:::: I talked to a therapist and she was great, but I wasnt being helped. It wasnt until I started going to Temple more and seeing my friends from home that I realized that I had good friends all along. I also never realized that I had such great roommates( yeah all three then ). I was so busy consuming myself with these "friends" that I didnt have time for cammy, or temple friends, or even roommates ::: infact, these girls influenced me to talk poorly about my roommates::: But then when I thought things were looking up they went back down. Family problems got really bad, my dad's stroke put my familiy in a financial crisis, my parents got a divorce, and my grandmother was being her normal crazy self. I couldnt catch a break really. Classes where hard, I went to the emergency room 3 times for some misterious pain only to find out it was nothing, but it hurt sooo bad. I would laspe back into sadness over these friends, mostly because of looking at facebook pictures and just thinking about it. My bf didnt know what to do to help me, no one knew what to do, they police even came to my door, and embarressed me beccause I told my therapists my "true feelings." But after a while my stressed turned form family and friend crisis to school. School was stressful enough with my hard classes, but I am glad I had my roommates , my bf, and my home friends to help me deal. When my home friends brought me closer to God things started to look up even more until JuicyCampus.
The JuicyCampus fiasco was the icing on the cake of my miserable Penn experience. It sealed the deal to all my thoughts and worries that my friends werent really my friends by all the hurtful name calling and the only people to defend me where my roommates. It really hurt seeing those things and all I could do was pray and talk to my friends and family. But I guess it was for the better that I was blamed because now I dont have to deal with those fake people. but after that I was deleted from friendslists, and even blocked. I was ignored, hated on, and occasionally talked about. but hey I am still alive after that. The year finished off with only the care of school work and career searching.
As of now I am off and on with the sadness, I keep trying to remind myself that these people are fake and they aren't really ready for my personality. I am too outspoken for their taste. I am not the type of person that would go back and be friends with someone who slandered my name like that of that one girl. I am not the girl that would tell my personal secrets to 4 or 5 people and get mad of a whole dorm knows about it. I am not that girl. I am the one to say when I am unconfortable , to say when things are wrong, to say when I think people are acting up, and that is just me. I keep it 100% all the time and I can only wish that people kept it that way with me. Because if it's one thing I hate, I hate finding things out after the fact. Like finding out that someone may not have really wanted to room with me after the argument, finding out that these people weren't going to be my true friends after I put so much effort into them, finding out that the two people that I thought were closest to me at penn would be the first to leave me high and dry. I just hate it. I will tell you one thing though, if I do not like you , you will know it. I won't be rude, but we won't be buddy buddy, because I really do hate small talk. IF you speak to me I will speak back but I will not invite you to hang out, text you, facebook you, call you, anything that would indicated that we are more then associates. Let's just be real. I have seem my fair share of cases where people are " friends" and they talk meanly about eachother behind their backs but then they are close friends and tell each other evrything. How else do you think your business gets out? It's fake friends.
I have to admit that I have done my fair share of gossiping, but I always made it a point to talk about things that I heard about from the main source. I don't do he said she said because its too messy. But I realized that, that isnt the way to go. I have enought on my plate that I dont ned to care about X Y and Z's actions at the party last night. I can actually care less. I also admit that some of the arguments and hostility I had at school was unnessaray and pretty much childish. I hould have expressed my anger and discomfort in a better way. Thought I am not sorry for what I said, I am sorry for the way I said it. I am slo sorry that I expected so much out of people. That could have saved me a lot of trouble. ( It actually can still save me a lot of trouble because of my new friends I expect to be considered first and be their number one, but in reality they don't even know me well enough and I do not know them well enough to be thinking that way. I expect them to want to be my bestfriends just because I am looking to fill that void in my life, but I can not do that. I need to just let things run their course and return the love that I receive but never more.) But I live and learn and God had blessed me. I have been through a lot of stuff and this is just a another life lesson and chapter in my life. I always knew God teaches me things the hard way. I have no reason to be mad at these girls because they were merely instruments in Gods teachings for me. He used them to show me what I need to work on and to make me stronger. So in a sense I should be thanking them and be humbled by them for they, like all of us, have been used by God to serve a greater purpose in my life, then just being my "cool friends."
Now I am a little more content with things. I have found a career path ( comm major -> business school/ art school -> human resources -> Stylist) that makes me happy. I have found a hobby ( magazine picture clipping, eBay shopping, shopping period, movies, cooking, food) or hobbies that I know make me the happiest. I have great friends and some not so great friends, but at least I know which ones are true and which ones may not be. My family problems and financial problems no longer stress me out so much, and all I need to work on is my academic stress tolerance and the acceptance of my appearance, but in due time I will be normal, I need to be normal, for Cameron, for my family, for my sisters, or my great friends, and most of all for God.
I just decided that I needed to let that all out because with that background, a lot more of my posts can be well understood. My moods may be easier to decipher and my attitude may be a little less of shock. For now good night. Many more stories to come, patience is a virtue!

Better...

Things are getting better, I failed a final and got a B- in the class... I got straight C's on quizzes and got an A- in another class. My dreams are coming together and I am enjoying the thought that one day I will live to dress people. I am happy with my boyfriend and my great friends. I am happy with a lot of things right now except my personality. I need to be more laid back and laugh more things off then take them seriously, because at the end of the day life is too short to worry. God has blessed me, and he does not want me fretting over something that I worked hard for. but I am soooo glad to be home from school .... less stress and more ME makeover